Retarded Reviews=X-Men Origins:Wolverine

X-Men Origins:Wolverine

A Retarded Synopsis by Ginger Tea. WITH spoilers…just because I can. 

Disclaimers= I suggest you read my friend ploy’s review of movie @ if you’re looking for a decent sensible review. This is my version of what I saw through my eyes. Italics are my wiseass comments. 


A sickly boy who looks like Tiny Tim from Christmas Carols is sick in bed with a servant boy, Victor watching over him. But oh no, you are not mistaken,this is not A Christmas Carols because Tiny Tim is actually James…who will later be Logan…who will later…Wolverine. Confused yet.

Then BANG some dude shoots his father which turns Logan into one angry Edward Scissorhands who lunges and plunges into the murderer who is the servant boy’s father, who with his dying breath says,”That man was not your father but it twas I, Luke…I am your father.” 

Mom shrieks, Logan bolts, Victor (aka servant boy) turned brother tells Logan they are brothers and that they must flee together lovingly from the Frankenstein mob with torches and pitchforks.

Then tralala, scene cuts to Logan (still with decent hair) and Victor racing through scenes of war together. Victor goes through menopause andgoes on a slash and dash, they get discovered, and then put with team X, with manlier versions of the hot powerpuff dudes under the command of a not hot and somewhat wrinkly commander called Stryker. They go on undercover missions for the sacred country of the U to the S to the A until it involves killing innocent Africans to find asteriod scraps at which point,Logan had to say, “Homies,this ain’t dope, Im leaving you like Rihanna should have left Chris Brown.”

Cuts to six years later, Logan is contributing to global warming as a lumberjack while living with a foxy babe. Meanwhile, Victor kills an exmember of the powerpuff dudes team and Stryker comes to Logan to ask him to rejoin the X team.

~Do you wanna be on top~

Logan says NO WAY, jose. Then shortly after, Victor kills Logan’s foxy babe which pisses him off, Logan, who at this point is still not hard metal, fights Victor and  loses.  and thus agrees to help Stryker who merges Logan (who wants to be called Wolverine now) with scrap metal by injecting stuff in him while in a box of water which they must have borrow from one of the episodes of SAW…or David Blaine. After much torturing, the transformation is completed but then Logan, with his ultra gossip ears, overhears Stryker telling the scientist to erase Logans memory. That got Logan pissed…totally understandable.  

All deals are off, Logan vows on decapitation for everyone  and flees…

BUTT NAKED. Can someone go slow motion on the naked Logan jumping down the waterfall…anyways…

Two loving grandma and grandpa sees naked Logan run into their shed, and instead of beating him with  a stick like I would, proceeds to feed him and clothe him. Then they get shot and dies. Not joking. 

More BANG BANG, Logan flies out of the house with a motorbike as it gets blown to smitterens. Then Logan takes down a helicopter in a badass way and goes to LA to find more members of the X team where one of the members got fat. At this point, I was half expecting Bob from the Biggest Loser to come over and drag him away. 

Logan discovers that Victor and Stryker are actually working together and kidnapping mutants to an island to make a mutant gumbo of what thay call Weapon XI. What a creative name. Then Logan and ex member of X team, Will.I.Am who wants to redeem his ass for helping in the scheme before, travels off to find Gambit who was the only mutant to escape from THE ISLAND. And here I was thinking that it was Scarlett Johanson and Ewen McGregor. Oh. Wrong movie. 

Logan finds Gambit while Will.I.Am gets killed by Victor before he even gets to redeem himself. After some misunderstanding between Logan and Gambit and a lot of violences, Gambit drops Wolverine off at the ISLAND where he discovers that his foxy babe isn’t dead but was a mutant named Silverfox…go Mozilla… who tricked him to save her sister. Then Victor tries to kill Silverfox and Wolverine punches the lights out of him. Then Wolverine releases all the captured mutants who eventually runs  off to find picard…I  mean professor Xavier while Wolverine is met with the mutant gumbo AKA Weapon  X, who was actually an ex member of the X team Victor supposedly killed.

KA CHING KACHA~Battle battle where Wolverine is at a disadvantage when Victor comes in to help his little brother. Weapon X is the first person to fulfil Wolverines vows of decapitation. Speaking of which, the only person who Wolverine actually decapitated. 

Then after defeating what is supposedly the strongest thing on earth, Wolverine carries off his wounded sweetheart, Silverfox, only to get shot in the head by Stryker with a scrap metal bullet and loses his memory. As Wolverine lies unconscious…how dandy…Silverfox with her mutant power commands Stryker to walk away until his heels bleed. God knows why she didnt use this power to make him release her sister. 

Then Silverfox dies and Wolverine wakes up with bad hair and forgets all about his foxy babe and rides off as the lone Wolve into the sunset.



What I  didnt like AKA WTF=

  • No explanation for Wolverines current bad hair
  • How no one gave Zero adamantium bullets to go after Wolverine
  • Them killing off grandma and grandpa
  • Wolverine being so indestructable and then being shot…by Stryker.
  • Waiting excitedly for the bonus scene after the credits…just to see 5 seconds of Logan speaking japanese

WHAT I LIKED AKA Enough Reasons to Spend my cash=

  • BUTTNAKED Wolverine
  • How Cyclops never knew Wolverine  saved his ass
  • Witty lines by Wade AKA Ryan Reynolds
  • All the hotties= Ryan Reynolds, Zero, Gambit, all the hot men galore.
  • Wolverine’s shiny claws
  • professor Xavier’s  shiny head
  • Wade’s flying decapitated head

My Verdict=

Watch it. Its got a good solid plot and some comedic aspect to it. plus if for no other reason, watch it to see a naked Wolverine jumping into the waterfalls. 



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One Response to “Retarded Reviews=X-Men Origins:Wolverine”

  1. jenchen Says:

    ginger!!!!!! super long time no see!
    haha this review was so funny! (and retarded as well, but right on the money)
    i wrote a review on this movie too!
    read it @:
    it’s super long though… might wanna wait till you’re desperately bored to read it 😛
    btw! ii saw ploy’s reviews too! she knows her movies 🙂 but where’s the wolverine review??

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